Not about bikes!

This is not a normal post for me and if you are expecting a tale of motorcycling gone wrong or a funny tale you should leave now.  This has nothing to do with motorcycle nor is it funny...  It might be the only time I write any thing dramatic in my life...

Every year about this time I revalue my life.  Not in terms of money, because that stuff comes and goes and even though it helps pay the bills and buys me tires for my bikes and nice wine, all things I like  it really has nothing to do with me as a person.  I have been poor and I have been middle class and to be honest some of my funnest memories to date was when I was barley scrapping by.  To think that some one would judge me because I wear jeans and a t-shirt says more about them then it does about who I really am as a person...  Nor would  I judge people by their pocket books.

 Also  I revaluemy life  not in terms of physical well being.  I mean I am still in good shape I am still healthy but getting older is just a symptom of out living the stupidity of my youth. Some thing I still love to visit from time to timeyouth that is not the stupidity.   I mean really as a nation or maybe it is a human thing we are obsessed with youth, me not so much, fine lines and gray hair are times marks that I have not only survived but grew  as a human. But it has to do with more about me as a person. Did my soul change?  Did the way I see the world change?  Did I become more closed off to people?  Did my very essence of  the human being that I have always been change?  And if so why?


I think this is the first year I can say yes too this question.  I did change my outlook on life.  My very essence as the person I have always been has changes.  Not dramatically but a little bit of my happy go lucky, care free, alway loving life personality died this past year.
What caused this, two things really.  Two things that looking back still is shaking my soul.  The first was  a eye opening, soul graping expencience.  The first was when my mom almost died on me.  Now I know most of us expect to bury our parents it is what we call "the natural order of things".  But to see her in the room, in that condition,  scared me in a way that I will never heal from.  I am my mothers daughter and I know full well that what happens to her could possibly be some thing I will face also.  I do not want to get into the ugly horrible memories  of every thing that happen nor do I care to explain them.  They will how ever remain one of the many things I keep secret  But to look back and know that the person who loved and still loves me, right, wrong  or in different, from birth to death the person who always has your back, could have, and almost did, and one day will leave me forever.  To face that little ugly bit of Truth, and know that there is not one damn thing I could ever do to stop it left me feeling helpless for the first time in my life.  Not a feeling I like, not a feeling I want to ever experience again.  People tell me all the time that god only gives you what you can handle.  I do not agree... I think he pushes you farther and father just to see who will go over the edge and who will teeter and who will fall.

The second thing was a death, well let me correct that a suicide in the family.  I always thought that kids where resilient.  They always bounce back, hell even thought this of my nephew, the one who killed himself.  I had seen him in tougher times and I seen him go through harder things.  I never thought that his life would end at 19 and by his own taking.  When I was younger, much
younger I made a hubris statement about suicide.   I guess Karma really does have to hit me with a 2x4 to drive home a lesson.After having some one in my life commit this act I was left not only shocked but also numb as to how does one kill themselves?  What makes a person feel this is the answer to life's problems?  And why???  No one living has answers to why and I know I never will.  I first went through what I guess a lot of people think.  Could I have stopped this?  Did I miss a clue to his true intents?   Maybe I felt a little more guilty and ashamed because he had spent the entire day with me and the Wooly man... AND I HAD NO CLUE!!!  I was shocked when we got that phone call late that night.  I was angry with myself as to why I did not see this coming, but most of all I was angry with myself for not saying I loved him that night. That last night that I ever seen him, that last time I had a chance to say I love you. That one last second of our time together. Simple words I know maybe he needed to hear them maybe I was to tired to say them.  MAYBE! MAYBE!MAYBE!  I know that saying I love you probably would not have changed any thing but I will forever be haunted by my lack of saying those words for the rest of my life.

On a side note today when I started writing this I texted my mom just to say I loved her.  And she asked about when she went crazy.  I would have never used those words knowing what all happened and what the neurologist said.  I would have never said any thing.  I would have taken that bit of imformation to my grave.  But some one else told her, not every thing, not the truth as they was never there and did not know the truth.  They just said what they thought... It pissed me off, not some thing I am proud of but a true feeling of mad.  Rage at some one else I love... How dare some one say this. Spill my secert and hurt the women who loved me for my entire life.  What right did they have?  How dare he???How dare anyone???