I keep a lot to myself because I have always thought of this place as a happy place. Somewhere where I can go and laugh, learn and enjoy life. The last month I have spent holding my best friends hand while she died, not an easy thing to see, nor deal with on a personal level. I am not stupid I know that the contract of breathing ends with the last breath and no one knows when or where that breath is taken. That some of us will draw the shit hand in the gamble of life. It is never easy to say goodbye to a loved one, it was not easy to watch someone I love pass, to watch as the cancer eat her alive (literally). When this started I thought cancer is no big deal people live through it all the time. But my Jules, well had to have other things that made her fight very hard. I stood by her side for all this time, hoping for miracles, I think I even try to barter with God. (One of the stages of grief)
I am so glad that I got to go hold her hand and say my good byes face to face, many people don't get that kind of chance. Some time ago her kidneys started failing I tried to give her one of mine. She told me that it was a long time solution to a very short term problem and would not even take the test to see if we were a match. At the time I was mad because she denied me helping her, so I was stuck with guilt, denial and anger that I was helpless to help someone I love. (Helplessness is something I don't do well).
She passed a few days ago and like a lot of people grieving I am pissed! I know that I could never barter her healthy I tried believe me. In the end all I could do was hold her hand and hope that death would come soon as to somehow compensate for all her pain. My birthday wish was actually for her to go fast to be out of the pain. (terrible wish in a lot of ways but had you seen what she was going through maybe you would understand).
So if there is a beach in heaven I know my Jules is there, kicking sand up, walking bare foot and enjoying a margarita.
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